As We Die
by atetheredmind
Summary: Katniss and Peeta try to deal with the fallout of their breakup, but can you ever really move on when you're still in love? Modern AU. Written for Day 3 of Prompts in Panem.


_**a/n:** The prompt for this story was modern locations/wedding._

* * *

Katniss stared at the fancy piece of card stock, the corner pinched between her fingers like it might burn her.

_Delilah Marie Cartwright and Thomas Kohl Garrison request the pleasure of your company at the celebration of their union..._

She looked up at Madge. "I don't know why she invited me. We're not that close, especially after..." she trailed off, and Madge raised an eyebrow.

"Well, that's why you're not in the wedding party," she pointed out. Katniss thought her friend was making a joke, but her face was so deadpanned, she couldn't really tell. Madge shrugged. "Delly invited everybody."

Katniss sighed, tapping the hard edge of the invitation against the table. "He's going to be there," she said solemnly. Madge nodded in agreement.

"Of course. He's her oldest friend. And I think he's one of Thom's groomsmen."

"He's going to bring a date."

Madge raised her eyebrows. "I don't think so. It's only been a few months."

Katniss shrugged indifferently—at least, what she hoped was indifferently. "He was never short of admirers."

Madge shook her head. "He wouldn't do that. Anyway, I haven't seen him dating anybody."

Katniss silently studied the invitation then dropped it to the table. "I can't go."

"Yes, you can. And you will. Don't punish Delly for this; it's not her fault," Madge said calmly, pushing the invitation to her. She handed Katniss a pen.

Katniss was selfish; she wanted to hide like the coward she was, she wanted her absence to be felt, she wanted him to ache as he wondered just where she was, what she was doing, who she was doing it with.

But Katniss was human, and she was bound by the social obligations of guilt that kept her clinging precariously, and just barely, to the edge of human interactions these days, even when she wanted nothing more than to disappear and wallow in her self-pity.

With a groan, she placed a check next to "Accept with Pleasure" and wrote a tiny, lonely _1_ for the number of adults attending.

"Fine, but if you and Gale leave me alone all night, I'm gonna get really drunk and puke all over your car," she threatened, and Madge smiled. "I don't know why you're smiling. I mean it."

"I know."

* * *

_"What's going on with you lately?" Peeta demanded angrily, dropping the box of Christmas decorations with a heavy thud. Katniss pulled up short, his tone stealing her breath, and she just stared at him wide-eyed. He gestured wildly as he elaborated, "You don't want to do anything anymore. You don't want to go out with me anywhere, you don't want to go on dates, you won't let me take you to work functions, you won't come hang out with my friends, you won't even let me _touch_ you. So what the hell is wrong with you?"_

_Her heart stuttered in her chest as panic solidified in her throat. Was this it? Was this really how it was going to go down? She swallowed thickly, her mind scrambling for an excuse, a way out; she was a survivalist by nature, her flight-or-fight response kicking in immediately, and right now, she wanted nothing more than to run. But she'd been running for months already, hadn't she? She knew it was time—she knew she owed him this. Still, she was terrified._

_"I...I don't know, Peeta. I just...I'm burnt out. I don't feel like myself..." she stalled, knowing it wasn't an answer, but the truth stuck in her throat. She was about to destroy him, and she couldn't bring herself to pull the trigger. Not like this, not so suddenly; she wasn't ready for it yet._

_His face hardened, his jaw tightening; she saw the movement of his throat as he swallowed, as he choked on the unspoken words she hadn't voiced. Finally, he did it for her: "This isn't working, is it?"_

_There it was; he just ripped the veil back from the reality she'd tried so hard to shroud, like he already knew. He knew._

_He was always so much better at pretending than she was._

_"No," she whispered, poised so delicately on the couch she thought she might shatter. And just like that, all his fight was sapped from him. His face fragmented into a million little pieces, and he swayed, like he didn't know which direction to go, then he sat down on the couch beside her, hard._

_She was never going to forget that moment. You don't forget the moment you break someone's heart._

_He didn't speak for a long, tense moment, his face buried in his hands. She didn't move, though she ached to comfort him. Was she allowed to anymore? Had she forfeited that right? Would she just make it worse? She was paralyzed, like she was stuck in one of her blinds as she waited to see what her prey would do next._

_Peeta breathed heavily, and finally he lifted his head. "Why?" he asked quietly. "What changed?"_

_Katniss inhaled shallowly, her heart still in her throat. "You...you told me you want kids, Peeta. You want to settle down and get married; you want the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids and a dog. I just...I don't. I mean, I don't think I do. I don't know. Not now, not soon. Maybe not ever." She licked her dry lips, unable to look at him anymore. "It just...it seems unfair to string you along if I'm not sure I'll ever want that. You'd just be wasting your time, and you should...you should get out while you can still find...that." The last words went unsaid: _with someone else.

_The silence stretched, his ragged breaths unnerving her, and she forced herself to meet his gaze again. She wished she hadn't. His red-rimmed eyes were watering, and her heart constricted painfully. He just nodded. "Okay," he said, his voice cracking with a hint of finality. "I guess that's it then."_

* * *

Katniss leaned her forehead against the car window, watching the world flash by her in a blur as she tuned out Gale and Madge's aimless chatter from the front seat. She tugged on the hem of her dress, smoothing out the skirt around her thighs. It was so not her style, flowery and short; she wasn't even sure she owned a dress anymore, the articles of clothing long-forgotten in her closet. But Madge had insisted, dragging her over to her apartment to put her into one of her girly frocks.

"You need to look beautiful when you see your ex for the first time in months," she'd told her as she'd plaited Katniss' hair into a sophisticated updo. "Not that you don't already, of course, but I mean—you need to look _hot_."

"I'm not trying to get him back, Madge," Katniss had replied uneasily, rubbing at the too-dark blush on her cheeks.

"I know. But it's still the number one rule of breakups."

Katniss wasn't sure she'd managed to accomplish "hot," but she looked like _not _herself. And she guessed that was good enough. She wondered if Peeta would look like _not_ himself—would he be silently trying to impress her in this stupid game of one-upmanship? Would he have a hot piece on his arm as his date, like a triumphant declaration: _You wanted me to find somebody else? Well, take a look—she's sexy _and_ she wants to bear my children._

The thought made her sick, nerves twisting her stomach. Why had she let Madge guilt-trip her into this?

"Is there an open bar at this reception?" Gale's voice carried in her direction, shaking her from her thoughts; she glanced up to find his eyes locked on her in the rearview mirror. She shrugged.

"I don't know. I haven't talked to Delly or Thom."

Madge answered for her, "Yes, there is. And why do you ask?"

Gale smirked. "Katniss looks like she needs to get shitfaced tonight." She scowled at that, and Madge whacked his arm lightly as he drove.

"No, she does not!" she admonished, craning her neck to look at Katniss in the backseat and to glare at her in warning. "No getting wasted. I haven't forgotten what you told me."

Katniss rolled her eyes good-naturedly, but Gale looked confused. "Told you what?" But Madge shook her head.

"Forget it, not important," she dismissed, twisting back in the passenger seat. "But if I see you feeding her shots at any point, I'm cutting you off, too."

He scoffed. "I'm a grown-ass man, woman. I do what I want." At her hard look, he relented. "Fine. She should at least get buzzed, though. I think that's warranted, given everything."

Katniss piped up, "Hey, I'm actually still here in the car with you guys, so would you mind _not_ talking about me like I'm not?"

When she met Gale's stare in the rearview mirror again, he was somber, a hard steel to his gray eyes. "Seriously, though, Catnip. If you need me to kick his ass, just say the word. If he gets out of line again, I'm not putting up with that bullshit this time."

Her face flushed in embarrassment, and she turned her attention back to the window to sulk. "I'll be fine."

* * *

_Peeta was drunk._

_No, drunk was four beers ago. Peeta was _shit-hammered._ And he was making a damn fool out of both of them, yelling obscene things, getting aggressive with the other guys, announcing repeatedly how she had dumped him. The others were beyond exasperated by his antics; Gale kept trying to take him aside to discreetly talk him down, but Peeta would just push him away every time._

_Katniss was mortified. She desperately chugged her cup of water for lack of anything better to do as she tried to ignore him, tried to fight the urge to go to him. That wasn't her place anymore, she reminded herself. Still, she felt responsible. It had only been a week since their breakup; she knew it was a bad idea to go to a mutual friend's party where he was going to be in attendance. But they'd agreed they would be civil; they would be adults. They could still be friends. Nothing had to change._

_But _everything_ had changed._

_"Hey, you okay?" Johanna asked in her ear, appearing suddenly. Katniss shot her a weak smile._

_"Not really, but thank you," she said quietly. Johanna glanced a look in Peeta's direction and shook her head._

_"Do you want me to kick him out?" she asked seriously, and Katniss' eyes widened._

_"No, no, don't do that for my sake," she insisted and, turning her gaze toward him, added mournfully, "It's my fault, anyway. Maybe I should be the one to leave."_

_Johanna grabbed her forearm and squeezed gently. "Hey, it's not your fault. This shit happens. We're all adults. We've all been through this. We're responsible for our own actions, and right now Blondie is making an ass out of himself. You didn't make him do that."_

_Katniss chewed her lip anxiously. "He's just hurt right now. We've been fine all week, really, but I just knew it was a bad idea to come to this party...He really isn't like this normally, you know that."_

_Johanna snorted. "No. And I like Peeta, you know I do. But he's getting on my last nerve right now, and he's bringing everyone down."_

_Katniss groaned miserably. Despite what Johanna had tried to reassure her, she still felt like this was her fault. Peeta was never this rude, this out of control and obnoxious, even while drunk. She had broken his heart; she had changed him, turned him into something he wasn't._

_She tensed as she saw Gale making his way toward them, his face tight. "Look, I think I should take Peeta home. He's in no shape to drive, but I think it's best if he leaves," he said, running a hand through his hair. "He's obviously in a bad place."_

_Katniss wanted to curl up in shame. "I should drive him then," she said, continuing before Gale could interject, "You should stay and have a good time. I don't think Madge is ready to leave yet, anyway. This is about me and Peeta. He's upset with me, and I just...I feel like I owe him this. So I'll take him home."_

_Both Gale and Johanna stared at her, unconvinced. "I don't know, Catnip, I don't know if I feel comfortable with that arrangement."_

_But she was already grabbing her purse. "It's fine, Gale. I can take care of this." Steeling her nerves, she crossed over to Peeta, where he stood with Thresh, jabbing his finger in the other man's chest to emphasize his slurred ramblings. Gale followed her and stood behind her protectively. "Peeta, why don't you let me take you home?" she asked, tentatively touching his shoulder._

_He jerked back as if he'd just realized she was there. His eyes were bloodshot. "No, m'fine," he mumbled, shaking her hand off. "I don't need you to take care ov'me."_

_She inhaled deeply through her nose. "I just want to make sure you get home safely, and I'm ready to leave, too. So just let me drive you." Her voice felt shaky._

_He glared at her. "I can drive myself—"_

_"No, let her take you home, Peeta," Gale said sternly; Peeta's eyes snapped to him over her shoulder, blazing._

_"Fuck you, Hawthorne—"_

_Gale tensed behind her, and she grabbed Peeta's arm again, hoping to divert a blow-up. "Please, Peeta. I just—I want to talk to you, okay? And I just want to get you home. I think you'll feel better if you just get home and go to sleep. Please?"_

_And just like that, he deflated. "Fine," he mumbled, and she sighed in relief, gripping his wrist loosely as she led him toward the door._

_"Call me when you get home, Catnip," Gale called after her. "Or if anything happens. Okay?"_

_She threw him a thankful look over her shoulder, mouthing, "I'm sorry." He just shook his head._

_Peeta was silent as she steered him toward her car, and she nervously fished her keys out of her purse. As she helped him into the passenger side, he finally stirred, twisting his arm away from her. "Dunno why you even care," he grumbled as he collapsed down into the seat. She stared at him wordlessly, then shut the door and circled around to the driver's side._

_Once she had settled in, she shot him a glance. He was slumped in the seat, staring sullenly out the windshield. "Of course, I care, Peeta," she murmured, reaching over him to buckle him in. He reeked of booze and sweat, but under that, he still smelled like Peeta._

_He snorted petulantly. "Right, but you broke up wif'me, so obvi'sly you don't."_

_She sat back in her seat and stared at him, confused. Her throat felt dry, despite all the water she had been drinking earlier. "Peeta..." she faltered, fidgeting with her keys. "You know that—that's not why I broke up with you. You know that, right?" He shrugged. She furrowed her brow. "Why do you think we broke up then?"_

_He didn't respond right away, then, softly, "'Cuz you weren't interested in me anymore."_

_Dumbfounded, she narrowed her eyes. "Huh?"_

_He clasped his hands together in his lap. "We di'n't have sex anymore, Katniss. We rarely hugged or kissed. You di'n't wanna spend time with me, like it was a hassle to be 'round me. You di'n't even fucking cry when we broke up."_

_She blinked rapidly, her heart throbbing in her throat. "That's not—that's what you think, that I wasn't interested in you?" He shrugged again. "I...I'm sorry, Peeta. I didn't mean...I'm sorry I made you think that, that I didn't want you. I guess I just...I shut down emotionally. You wanted things I didn't think I could give you, and I just—I didn't know how to talk to you. It just...it felt pointless. Carrying on like things could...like there was a future. And I was scared of, of giving you the wrong idea, like if I acted like things were okay by doing the stuff we normally did, that you'd—that you'd be even more confused when things didn't work out." She took a breath, swallowing to work up some saliva in her dry mouth. Peeta was staring at his hands, squeezing them together tightly._

_"I'm sorry. I know I fucked it up. I should have just said something sooner, I just...I didn't know how. I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry," she finished lamely._

_Peeta inhaled shakily then, shaking his head. "S'my fault. I shouldn't've said anything that day. I got angry, and I—I just shouldn't've said anything. Why did I hafta say somethin'? I knew somethin' was wrong, but I shoulda just...gone on actin' like it was fine, like I had been, and we'd still...things'd be fine, and we'd still be together—" His voice shook, and he sucked in air to stop his sob, but tears slipped down his cheeks._

_Katniss stared at him dumbly as he broke down, his face crumpling while he cried quietly, slumping against the door. She felt sick. She didn't know what to say, how to comfort him. She was frozen by her own guilt. She was a horrible, selfish, shitty person._

_Shakily jamming the keys into the ignition, she started her car and pulled out of the parking space. She didn't say another word as she drove, Peeta sobbing softly the entire way._

* * *

She really did have the best friends in the world. Gale and Madge refused to leave her side throughout the ceremony and most of the reception. She was grateful and relieved, really, she was—but she was starting to feel like a third wheel, and she hated to think she might be dampening their enjoyment of the festivities. She finally persuaded them to go dance for a while, assuring them she was fine.

Most people were out on the floor, including all of her friends, the handful of them that there were, but she found company in Delly's Aunt Sae, or Greasy Sae, as she insisted Katniss call her. She was nice and talkative, regaling Katniss with enough stories that she rarely had to chime in herself. And that was fine with her.

She tried not to, but she couldn't stop herself from seeking Peeta out on the dance floor. He was with the other groomsmen, their jackets and ties long removed, as they whipped out every ridiculous dance move they could think of.

He looked as handsome as ever. Healthy. Lively. His blue eyes twinkled, even from all the way across the room, and he kept pushing his sweaty blonde curls off his forehead. He looked happy. That was good. He looked like he was having a great time. She was glad—at least, she tried to tell herself she was.

He hadn't once looked at her yet, though. Which hurt. Not during the ceremony, while he stood up front on the groom's side, not as he walked back down the aisle, even though he smiled and waved quickly at Madge, who was two seats over from her, and not during the reception, even though they'd been there for a couple hours already.

Sae cleared her throat loudly, drawing her attention back to her. She gave Katniss a pointed look, and Katniss flushed in embarrassment. "Um, I'm sorry, what did you say? The music's kind of loud," she fumbled apologetically.

Sae arched an eyebrow. "I asked what you were doing sitting here, talking to an old fogey like me. Shouldn't you be out on the floor with your friends?"

Katniss wasn't much for dancing, and she couldn't tell the older woman she felt strange being in such close proximity to her ex. So she jumped on the next viable excuse. "I can't really dance in heels," she explained with an anxious chuckle, showing her the cheap shoes Madge had forced her to buy the day before. They weren't broken in yet, and Katniss could already feel blisters forming on her rubbed-raw heels. "I don't mind talking to you."

Sae just shook her head. "You don't have a gentleman to keep you company, pretty little thing like yourself?" she teased. Katniss knew the woman only meant it as a compliment, but it made her heart ache. Her lips twitched feebly in a weak imitation of a smile.

"Nope, just little ol' me."

A server appeared at their table then, offering a bottle of wine. "Yes, _please_," Katniss begged, shoving her empty glass at him. She didn't even care what kind it was. After he'd poured it, she took an eager sip.

Sae waved him off when he offered her the same, but she leaned closer to Katniss. "You know, I know a young man about your age. He's single, really sweet. I think you two would hit it off..."

Swallowing her groan with another gulp of her wine, Katniss politely tuned out Sae's sales pitch. Her eyes drifted back to the floor, settling on Peeta's dancing, laughing form once again.

She didn't know what to do. They weren't friends, she knew that. Barely acquaintances at this point. But it seemed deliberately rude and childish to ignore each other. She'd been prepared to offer a civil greeting in passing, at least, but he'd denied her even that.

She was flabbergasted. He didn't have a date with him, so she didn't understand why he was seemingly going out of his way to avoid acknowledging her.

Did he hate her that much?

* * *

_Flicking off the bug that crawled across the toe of her boot, Katniss hugged her knees to her chest as she waited for Peeta to get home. She was sitting on his stoop outside his apartment, having beat him there after she got off work. He should be home soon, though. She hoped. She didn't actually know for sure, just hoped he was still following the same daily routine from before they broke up._

_When she saw his car pull up a few minutes later, she tensed, meeting his gaze through his windshield. He looked perplexed and terrified, and he just sat there for a moment, his car still running. Her anxiety heightened, her nerves roiling just under her skin—but under that was anger. And a lot of it._

_Finally, he cut his car off and climbed out. As he approached her, she forced herself to stand up on stiff legs. He looked like shit, his face pale, with dark circles smudged under his eyes. Did he look thinner, too? She pushed the concern down, focusing on her anger. "What are you doing here?" he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets._

_"We need to talk," she said tightly, her fist tightening around her car keys. "And since you've been ignoring my calls and texts, I thought it was best I came in person. It's the only way we can get things resolved, it seems."_

_He cleared his throat, his eyes shifting. "I wasn't—I'm not ignoring you. I just needed to think. I was going to text you back after work," he said quietly._

_She tried not to glare at him. "Then you could have just told me that instead of not responding at all."_

_"Sorry," he muttered, scrubbing a hand through his disheveled curls. Then he gestured to his door. "Well, come in, then."_

_He unlocked his door, and she followed him inside. Once she shut the door behind her, she turned to find him watching her expectantly. "What did you want to talk about?" he asked, and his forced obliviousness just made her angrier. She took a deep breath to stop herself from snapping, trying to remember the spiel she had scripted in her head all afternoon._

_"Obviously, this isn't working," she began, her jaw clenched. "Trying to be friends. You told me you could do it, but you keep shutting me out. And, fine, if you're going to do that, I guess I have to respect that, but I just need you to _tell _me that. I can't—I feel like I'm stuck in this limbo with you, where neither of us is really moving on, and it's confusing to me because you won't be honest. If you want me out of your life completely, then just _say it_."_

_She was breathing hard, barely able to gasp out the last sentence over the thrumming heartbeat lodged in her throat. She forced another deep breath to steady it, but it was useless. Peeta didn't speak at first, just stared at her. He licked his lips, and she could see his brain kicking in, churning as he plotted out his response._

_She hated how he did that; he was always so careful in his words, choosing and picking his thoughts carefully, when she just vomited her emotions all over the place in the heat of an argument, never really knowing if she was making any sense or not. When he did that, she could never really be sure if he meant what he said, if he was being completely honest or just regurgitating what he thought she wanted to hear._

_Finally, he spoke. "You're right. It's not working," he agreed solemnly. She had been expecting it, but, still, it felt like a punch to the gut. "I thought I could be friends with you. I wanted to, initially. But I don't think I can. It's too painful for me—"_

_"It's painful for me _not_ to be friends with you, Peeta," she interjected angrily. He stared at her silently for a moment but then nodded._

_"I know. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I get confused when I talk to you, like things are normal when they're not; sometimes, we talk like how we used to. And I just—well, I don't know how I'm supposed to get over you if I keep opening that wound."_

_His words stung, and her stomach twisted painfully. She balled her shaking hands at her sides. "It's not...it's not easy for me, either. I don't know how you go from talking to somebody every day for five years to having nothing to do with them at all. I don't know how to do that. You act like—you act like you're the only one who'd been in love in this relationship." He looked away at that, pursing his lips. "It's not fair to keep jerking me around like this. I can't keep—I can't keep going in circles with you, where one minute we're fine, and the next we're not. It stresses me out, and I feel completely unhinged these days trying to figure out what it is you want from me exactly!"_

_"I'm sorry I make you feel that way," he said quietly. Her nostrils flared._

_"I wish you'd just told me from the beginning that you couldn't be friends with me. I wish you'd just been honest. I tried to give you an out."_

_He nodded. "I know. I should have told you. I messed up a lot after we broke up. I was wallowing. So I'm sorry for that. But I think I just need to not be around you for a while, do my own thing..."_

_Indignation flared up inside her, raging along with the hurt. "Fine. Then that's it. We're not friends. We don't talk, we don't know each other," she spat, and for the first time she felt tears pricking behind her eyes. "I won't bother you anymore. And I guess you just—let me know when you've got it worked out. When you're done doing _'your own thing.'_"_

_He still wasn't looking at her. "I'm sorry," he offered again weakly, but she turned on her heel and stormed out of his apartment. She barely managed to make it into her car before the tears fell, and she tried to choke them back until she could seek refuge in her own apartment._

_She only made it to her parking lot. And for the first time since their breakup—the first time in two months and six days, to be exact—she cried._

* * *

"I know I'm unromantic as hell and don't really get the hoopla about weddings," Johanna drawled, leaning against the column next to Katniss, "but isn't it just tacky for the bride to wear a tiara?"

Katniss cracked a smile, tearing off a chunk of the slice of wedding cake on her plate with her fingers. "Delly always did think she was a princess," she said wryly, popping the piece into her mouth. Johanna snorted.

"Doesn't help that Thom treats her like one," she grumbled and then she took a swig of her champagne.

"Whatever works for them, I guess," Katniss said with a shrug, shoveling another bite of the cake into her mouth.

"Good evening, ladies."

Katniss froze at the sound of his voice, her insides twisting together. Johanna shot her a inconspicuous look but smiled over her shoulder. "Hey, Blondie. Done bustin' a move on the dance floor?"

Peeta chuckled. "I think I threw my back out, so, yeah."

Katniss couldn't bring herself to turn around, her eyes glued to her plate. She felt him move around her until he was standing in front of them, forcing himself into her line of sight. He smiled pleasantly at her, his face still flushed from alcohol and his earlier exertion. "Hey, Katniss. How are you doing?" he asked easily.

She finally found her voice. "Fine," she hedged carefully. She didn't reciprocate the question, but he nodded nonetheless.

"You look great. I never thought I'd see you in flowers, though," he joked with a careless grin. She just stared mutely at him, horrified. Was he really going to do this, ignore her all night and then act like they'd been friends all along, like he hadn't cut her out of his life for the past three months?

It was too much. She felt everything pushing in on her at once, all the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the longing, the crushing sadness, welling up inside her like cement. She couldn't take it. She couldn't do this bullshit fakery, this stupid fucking game he wanted to keep playing with her. Wordlessly, she shoved her plate into Johanna's hands, who gawked at her, and then she spun around and hastily retreated. She made it to the lobby before she stumbled in her heels. Frustrated, she kicked them off, not even bothering to pick them up—what did she care? She'd never wear them again.

She didn't know where she was going. There was nowhere she really could go; Gale and Madge were her ride home. She flew out the doors, stalking across the parking lot as fast as she could in bare feet. She slowed as she approached Madge's car; she guessed she could just wait there until they decided to leave. Hopefully, they'd come out to look for her eventually; her cell phone was in Madge's purse, so she couldn't call them.

Hopping up on the trunk, Katniss propped her elbows on her knees and hid her face in her hands. She inhaled raggedly as she fought back tears.

She just didn't understand him. How could he act like things were fine? She couldn't do that; she couldn't play pretend just for appearance's sake. She was too blunt, too honest. She wasn't the chameleon he seemed to be.

Or was he even faking it at all? The thought plunged her into a fresh sense of horror. Was he really okay with everything now, utterly unaffected by her absence _or_ presence in his life? Was he over her already? Did cutting off contact with her for five months completely undo five years together?

She knew she wasn't being fair. He deserved to move on; she wanted that for him. She wanted him to find someone who could give him everything he wanted, but she'd just thought...she didn't know what she thought, really. Just that it'd still hurt a little to see her, that he'd feel as uncomfortable and awkward as she felt upon seeing him, that the wound would bleed just a little. She knew hers did; she still cried sometimes, still struggled with being blindsided with bad days where she missed him so much, she felt like a huge part of her had been ripped out.

And he didn't seem like he cared at all.

She heard footsteps approaching, crunching the gravel under heavy tread, and she stiffened. Her head flew up, and she glowered at the sight of him. "Leave me alone," she snapped as he got closer.

Peeta stopped a couple feet away, but he didn't turn away. He sighed sadly. "I can't," he said.

"Just go back inside and enjoy the wedding. I'm fine," she replied tightly. "It's not your responsibility to check up on me."

He stuffed his hands into his pockets. "No, I know," he agreed, speaking slowly. "But you ran off when I came over to talk, so it's clearly something I did that upset you."

She scoffed. "I can't imagine what that could be," she huffed sarcastically. Her eyes were watering, and she wiped at them, angry at herself for crying.

She heard him inhale deeply. "I'm sorry, then. I didn't mean to upset you—"

"Then what are you doing?" she hissed, cutting him off. His eyes went wide. "We're not friends, remember? You made sure of that. So you can't just—you can't ignore me otherwise and then act like everything's fine when we're around everyone else. That's shitty."

Peeta blinked. "I'm sorry. I thought if I acted fine, you'd feel more comfortable. I don't want to tiptoe around each other. I just don't know how to act around you, I guess."

Her mouth tightened. "Just act like a normal human being, Peeta! Act like I'm somebody you used to love at one point in your life!" she exploded.

His face contorted then, with disbelief and sadness and something else she couldn't decipher. "You think—_used_ to love? You think I don't love you anymore?" he repeated incredulously. Her face went slack, and she swallowed the lump in her throat.

"You—you're certainly acting like it," she whispered.

Shaking his head to himself, he laughed softly, a quiet, singular snort of amusement. "Katniss...I haven't talked to you in three months because I'm still _in love_ with you. I didn't mean to make you think otherwise—I just didn't think you'd want to know that. It doesn't exactly make moving on easier," he said evenly, his eyes focused on the tail light of Madge's car.

She stared at him stupidly, her heart racing. She didn't know what to say; she felt light-headed all of a sudden. "Oh," she breathed. "I thought...I didn't know. I thought...you were angry at me. I thought you hated me."

His face looked raw in the moonlight as he finally met her gaze. "Why would you think that?"

"Because I broke your heart," she whispered tremulously, tears welling once again in her eyes.

He smiled faintly at that. "You did, yeah. Doesn't mean you don't still have it."

She broke. A sob hitched in her throat, and she buried her face in her hands again as her face crumbled. Peeta moved quickly. "Oh, don't—don't do that, Katniss, please don't cry," he begged, gathering her into his arms. That just made her cry harder, as she felt his warmth and his steadiness encircle her for the first time in months, and she latched onto his shirt, terrified he'd take it away again. "Shit, I'm not trying to hurt you more, Katniss. That's not what I came out here to do."

"I'm sorry," she gasped, pressing her forehead to his shoulder. "I don't know why I'm crying. Who the hell cries at a wedding?"

His arms tightened around her, sliding her off the trunk some so he could clutch her to his chest more closely. "Delly cried," he offered; she thought she heard a slight smile in his voice.

She shook her head. "Because she's happy. That's not the same thing." She shuddered as another sob ripped through her. "I'm sorry. I keep ruining everything. I don't know how to handle any of this right," she said mournfully, hiccuping once.

"You're doing fine, Katniss," he assured, murmuring into the crown of her hair. "I'm the one who messed it up. I shouldn't have cut you out like that. You just—you didn't feel the same I did, and I didn't know how to deal with that."

She turned her head slightly so her face was buried against his neck. "What do you mean, I didn't feel the same?" she asked. She felt him swallow hard. After a moment, he spoke.

"You weren't in love with me anymore. You were getting over me. It hurt. So, maybe I was punishing you for that, I don't know. It was stupid. I know you can't help how you feel. It's not your fault."

She felt like her heart had stopped, his words churning in her head. Finally, she lifted her head and pushed on his chest slightly, forcing him to look at her. "You...I don't understand. You've said things like this before, that you thought I didn't want you; you really think I stopped loving you? Were you not there when we broke up?"

He looked exasperated. "Of course, I was there—"

Katniss wiped off her wet cheeks. "And what did I tell you? That you wanted kids, and I didn't, and I didn't want to hold you back anymore," she said fiercely. "That had nothing to do with me not loving you. I love you, okay? I _still_ love you. I don't—I don't know that I'll ever not love you. But I thought I was doing the right thing in letting you go so you could—so you could find a _wife_," she choked on the word, on the idea of him being with someone else.

He stared at her, his eyes wide. "Katniss..." he murmured, dazed, then he shook his head. "I...don't you get it? I don't want a wife if she's not _you_," he said emphatically, ripping her heart wide open. He leaned closer to her, bracing his hands against the trunk, forcing her to look at him. "Yes, I want a wife, and I want kids—I could do without the dog—but I want you _more_. Did I make you feel otherwise? I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you thought those things were more important to me than just being with _you_."

His voice, his face were raw, and another sob hitched in her throat. "But you—you shouldn't have to change what you want just because—because of me, Peeta. I don't want you to resent me later. I told you I don't know that I'll ever want that stuff," she pleaded, hoping he'd see reason. She didn't think she could handle this a second time, if he changed his mind again down the road...

His eyes were clear and glistening as he pinned her with them. "I only ever saw that future with you, Katniss. I _only_ see a future with you. If I'm not with you, then what's the point?"

Moaning pitifully, she tried to hide her face behind her hands, but he pulled her against him again, tighter still. "I'm sorry," she groaned into his shoulder. "I told you I ruin everything. I just got scared, Peeta. I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing you. And I did."

"It's okay," he murmured. "I think we both messed up somehow." Neither of them said anything for a long moment, Katniss sniffling periodically. She was sure she was snotting all over his shirt. Peeta spoke first, hesitantly. "Do you want to fix this? Do you still want me? I can handle it if you say no, I just...I had to at least ask one more time before I close the door completely," he said, his voice strained. She closed her eyes.

"I never _stopped_ wanting you, Peeta. That never changed," she whispered. She felt his chest expand underneath her as he took a shaky breath, then released it.

"Okay," he breathed, and this time she heard the tears in his voice.

"Okay?"

He nodded against her head, chuckling thickly. "Okay." They stayed like that for a few minutes longer, his arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders as he rested his chin on top of her head. She scooted to the very edge of the trunk and pulled him between her legs, wiggling her arms out from between them to snake around his back; she pressed her face tight against his chest, inhaling deeply, and he began rubbing her back soothingly. This was the most right she'd felt in months.

"Do you want to go back in?" he asked softly, untangling himself from her slightly to peer down at her. His knuckles grazed her cheeks to catch her errant tears, and her breath stalled in her throat. "I can find you some tissues if you want."

Katniss shook her head, touching her fingers to his hand. "No, I..." She glanced down at her feet. "I lost my shoes somewhere. In the lobby, I think."

Peeta looked down and laughed lightly. "Oh. I see. Do you need them back?"

"No, I can do without them."

He hummed thoughtfully. "Okay, well...I'll stay out here with you then. Is that okay?"

She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth as she stared up at him, blinking away the old tears, then she nodded her head. "Okay."

Peeta gave her a small smile. "So you'll allow it?" he asked, his hand ghosting over her hair. Her eyes fluttered closed at the gesture, and she forced them back open. She nodded again, her eyes searching his face. He started to move to sit beside her on the trunk, but she fisted his collar and pulled him back in front of her. "Peeta—" she whimpered as his eyebrows lifted, tipping her face up until their lips touched, and she sank into him like he was welcoming her home.

She was home.


End file.
